..Funnies and Jokes....Praise God..
..all links checked and working March 08..
I try to keep my pages on the general side..however it is not possible for me to check everything..if there is a problem..please let me know..
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..I only drink beer on days that end in Y..
..Mirror..Mirror on the wall..what the heck happened..??..
..A man's got to do what a man's got to do..a WOMAn must do what he can't..so true..so true..some things have to be believed to be seen..you only live once but if you live it right once is enough..a good life lasts for generations....just be happy I'm not a twin..
..Honey do..Honey do dis..Honey do Dat..
..some days you're the bug..some days you're the windshield..
..MaNURE OCCURETH..
..when the chips are on the ground..the bull is empty..
A mother tried to get her son up to go to church on a bright, sunny Sunday morning. He will not get up.
Again she tries. He says OK give me 3 good reasons why I should get up and go to church. She Replies...
(1)..It is a beautiful day..
(2)..Just because you should..
..and..
(3)YOU ARE THE MINISTER..!!..
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A man and his wife are traveling the USA, taking in all the attractions. In Florida they come across a town with a name they are not sure of the pronounciation of. KISS-a-me..Kiss-A-me..KISS-A-MEE.
They stop in a fast food place, the man goes up to the counter and says..can you please tell us where we are, and say and pronounce it slowly, so we can get it right.
Their server replies..B-U-R-G-E-R--K-I-N-G!
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..Mind Games..
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..Thoughts On Life..
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
A day without sunshine is like....night.
I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe..
He who laughs last thinks slowest..
If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a speed trap--rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Support bacteria...they the only culture some people have..
..When everyone's coming your way you are in the wrong lane..
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking..
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it..
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with..
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism..
Be modest and be proud of it..
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener..
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is not for you..
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it..
The severity of the itch is universally proportional to the ability to reach it..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..
Change is inevitable except from vending machines..
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the CHEESE!
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Your Momma...
..So Stupid..
Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
Yo ma's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
..Yo MOmma
..So big..
She looks like she swallowed a Volkswagon
She wakes up in sections..
She was baptized at Sea World..
Your Momma so toothless it takes her an hour to eat minute rice.
Your Momma..
..So dumb
It took her two hours to watch 6o Minutes..
She asks for a price check at the dollar store
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Here is a puzzle for you...first read the sentence aloud..
Finished files are the result of many years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.
Now..count aloud the f's in the sentence. But count them only once. Do not go back and count them again. How many f's did you find?
..Answer below..
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Ma Ma Confusion say never play leap frog with a unicorn...
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What is the nosiest tree in forest?
What do you call a pig in a butcher shop?
If everyone in the USA had a pink car what would we call it?
What do Martin Luther King, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln all have in common?
What do you say to a baby wearing Gucci diapers?
Ma Ma Confusion say...Smile..it confuses people
..Thoughts..
In my next life I am going to have more memory installed.
How great it is to do nothing..then rest afterward
To err is human..to mess up..you need a computer.
I'm going crazy and I'm taking everyone with me.
I want it all..and I want it delivered.
I've discovered a cure for wrinkles..I sold the kids.
I hate golf, I hate golf, NICE shot, I love golf.
All I need to know about life, I learned from Star Trek.
I fish..therefore I lie
The best 10 years of a womans life are between 39 and 40.
I'm not aging I'm marinating
I try to take one day at a time..but lately several have attacked me at once..
If women can have PMS..men can have ESPN.
All I ask is you treat me no differently than the QUEEN.
Insanity is inherited..you get it from your kids.
I have a VCR, weed eater and a dog who needs a man?
I like my men like I like my chocolates, the richer the better.
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..ANSWERS..
dogwood
a pork chop
..
a pink carnation
they were all born on holidays
Gucci...Gucci
Why were Adam and Eve the happiest and luckiest couple in the world?
Have you heard about the man who took his mother in law to the zoo and threw her in the crocodile pool? He is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.
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Two neighbors were having a chat when one says I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother in law..the other asked did you put it to sleep? No of course not said the first man I had it's teeth sharpened.
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Wife..Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and hurt badly.
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Husband..Geese! That clock has always been slow!
The presient of the service club asked a new member .. Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged..the new member replies .. .yes my mother in law.
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A man says .. I just got back from a real pleasure trip..where did you go asks another? I dropped my wife and mother in law off at the airport he replies.
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...ANSWER..
Most people say there are three f's, surprisingly there are six. How does it work? I've tried it on more than 100 people and almost everyone missed it. Ralph Rourk Westover MD.
The main factor may be pronounciation. When we say the letter f we pronounce it the way we do in the word finished. That's why the sentence is begun with a soft f. It leads us into the linking letter f to the soft sound, then immediately reinforces that link with another soft f in files. This makes it easy to miss the hard f's in "of" that are pronounced live v's.
Then the word scientific is broken (hyphenated) at the soft f again. Further reinforcing that pronounciation link. And finally the f that we missed before is repeated in the last line, coupled with the same word years.
I was determined this puzzle was wrong, I was going to change it from 6 to 5 f's. I figured it was a typo. I decided to go back and look and count one more time. I could not believe that I had read this so mnay times and even let it be for a while and still missed it. So I join the other people. No one I have shown it to got it right, one almost did.
From the Ask Marilyn column in Parade Magazine by Marilyn Vos Savant.
..Chinatown Joke...
This guy walks through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen? He thinks. How in the world does that fit in here?
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting on the counter. The visitor asks. How in the world did this place get the name like Hans Olaffsen Laundy? The old man answers. Is name of owner. The visitor asks .. Well who the heck is the owner? I am he .. answers the old man. You? How the heck did you ever get a name like that?
The man replies. Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Sweed. Lady look at him and go .. What's your name? He reply Hans Olaffsen. She look at me. What's your name? I say Sam Ting.
..Duck Joke..
A duck walks into a drug store on...
Monday
..and asks the clerk you got any grapes? Clerk looks at the duck and says no we're a drug store. We don't carry grapes, the duck shrugs and walks out.
Tuesday
.. the same duck walks in and says do you have any grapes? The clerk says NO we don't have any grapes.
Wednesday
..the same duck comes in..the clerk has had it..you got any grapes? The clerk loses it completley..NO WE don't have any grapes and if you come back asking the same thing tomorrow I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor, the duck once more shrugs and leaves.
Thursday
..same time..same place..here comes the same duck..GOT ANY NAILS?..the clerk says NO, the duck says .. You got any grapes?
..ANSWER..
Neither one had a mother in law. That is why Adam and Eve were so happy.
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..visit all my joke pages..truckers..jokes..Dukes of Hazzard..
..genealogy jokes..
..truckers..
..GENEALOGY..what day were you born on?..NAMES..On This Day in History..Monday's Child etc poem..recipes....MY Roots..
..Dukes of Hazzard..
Quiz and Trivia..CB handles..how many do ya remember..??..
..Honey do..Honey do dis..Honey do Dat..
..when the chips are on the ground..the bull is empty..(2)..Just because you should..
..and..
(3)YOU ARE THE MINISTER..!!..
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
A day without sunshine is like....night.
I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe..
He who laughs last thinks slowest..
If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a speed trap--rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Support bacteria...they the only culture some people have..
..When everyone's coming your way you are in the wrong lane..
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking..
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it..
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with..
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism..
Be modest and be proud of it..
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener..
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is not for you..
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it..
The severity of the itch is universally proportional to the ability to reach it..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..
Change is inevitable except from vending machines..
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the CHEESE!
Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
Yo ma's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
She wakes up in sections..
She was baptized at Sea World..
She asks for a price check at the dollar store
What do you call a pig in a butcher shop?
If everyone in the USA had a pink car what would we call it?
What do Martin Luther King, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln all have in common?
What do you say to a baby wearing Gucci diapers?
How great it is to do nothing..then rest afterward
To err is human..to mess up..you need a computer.
I'm going crazy and I'm taking everyone with me.
I want it all..and I want it delivered.
I've discovered a cure for wrinkles..I sold the kids.
I hate golf, I hate golf, NICE shot, I love golf.
All I need to know about life, I learned from Star Trek.
I fish..therefore I lie
The best 10 years of a womans life are between 39 and 40.
I'm not aging I'm marinating
I try to take one day at a time..but lately several have attacked me at once..
If women can have PMS..men can have ESPN.
All I ask is you treat me no differently than the QUEEN.
Insanity is inherited..you get it from your kids.
I have a VCR, weed eater and a dog who needs a man?
I like my men like I like my chocolates, the richer the better.
a pork chop
..
a pink carnation
they were all born on holidays
Gucci...Gucci