..I ain got no pictures..though I'm sure I saved some somewhere..but the advise is good...Thanksgiviing and good advise on fryin a turkey..
..God Bless You Tammy Faye..
Now you just could be a REDNECk if...
..you voted Tammy Faye Baker Messner as best dressed..
..I have to tell this little joke..we lived in Charlotte where Tammy Faye was big..I think my daughter got me one of the shirts..it was really funny..we were going to a mall..and I made my face all up and put the shirt on and snuck out in the car..when my daughter told her hubby to take a look at Tammy Faye in the back seat my son in law almost ran off the road..it was funny especially since I never wore make up..I think they called me Marge Faye and still do..!!...
..your wife graduated from The Tammy Faye School of Charm..
You don't have a home phone
You stockpile Pork & Beans
You have a refrigerator just for beer..
You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables..
The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers
You practice fishing off your front porch
All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
Every room in your house is a junk room
The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
You've ever been on TV not wearing a shirt.
You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom
You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
You have to wash your hands ...before you go to the bathroom
You know your daddy's CB handle, but not his real name.
You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
You own a Waffle House credit card.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your horse can count higher than you.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
All your relatives cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
...a few more rednecks...
now ya may be one if
you have a civil war chess set
you have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball
you have a velvet bedspread
you have a FOXY LADY tag on the front of your car
your idea of health food is pork rinds
your mail box is made out of old auto parts
your girl goes through more n one can of hairspray every week
your door mat says..you better have a search warrant..
your muffler is held on by a coat hanger
your savings are just out of reach for that '76 Pinto
your wedding looks more like a family reunion
your wife owns a camouflage nightie
your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security
your momma rassles gators for pocket change
someone in your family is an Elvis impersonator
your wife would rather fish of a bridge than shop
you have a ham hanging from your front porch
your name is Bubba JR
you shop for groceries at a gas station
you own a collection of pro-bowling tapes
both sides of your drive are lined with half buried tires
your bumper sticker says..my other car is a combine
you own more n two tractors
you share your beer with your dog
you skipped school in the sixth grade to vote
you think Ernest P Worrell is funny
you converted your carport into a beauty shop
you use a bed sheet as a sofa cover
you use a tractor to mow yer yard
you think Slim Fast is REba McEntire's drummer
you have aluminum foil on your windows instead of curtains
your parents are first cousins
you wash your truck more often n your kids
you've ever worn clothes to church with sequins on them
your dog can smoke a cigarette
you hold a frog and it worries about getting warts
you dress up the kids to go to K-Mart
you keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table
your favorite Chinese meal comes from La Choy
your mailbox is in the shape of any farm animal
your mother has been arrested for poaching
you can eat a Mc Donald's cheeseburger in one bite
you've ever hot wired a bull dozer
answer..Ali-Bubba
..Redneck pilots..
you might be one if
your STALL warning plays DIXIE
you think charts should show trailer parks
you've ever used moonshine to re-fuel
your set of matched luggage is three grocery sacks from Piggly Wiggly
**yes there are really Piggly Wigglys**
you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and the pilot of Redneck-ONE
You've never stayed in a motel without stealin something
your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points
you have mud flaps on your wheel pants
you confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut
your wind sock is a Purina feed bag
you've re-fueled from a Mason Jar
you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a CONVOY"
the sign on the side of your craft advertises your septic tank service
...LOOKY..LOOKY MAW..there's dinner..
..YA MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..
cruise control on your car involves fishing line and a hook
every magazine on yer coffee table has a toilet paper bookmark in it
every work day ends with the argument about who gets to ride in the cab o the truck
in tough situations you ask..What would Curly do
nobody but nobody can re-build an engine like your mama
on stag night you take a real deer
you have run out of room from all the wives names tattoes on your belly
your 6th grade teacher asks you to shave
the directions to your bathroom include take a left at the big oak and proceed past the woodshed
the liquor store knows you by name
there are more cement blocks under your vehicles than under your house
there is a tennis ball on your truck antenna
your cigarette lighter is your wood stove
your momma's bra is so large they use it to measure first downs
you have cup holders on your riding lawn mower
your satellite dish has more square footage n your house
your veterinarian is also your taxidermist
a full grown ostrich has fewer feathers n your hat
a policeman asks for your ID and you say about what?
you use the laundromat as a mailing address
you have a can crusher on your dashboard
your favorite movie of all time is Cannonball Run
your clothesline has at least two splices in it
your school dress code contains the words SHOES OPTIONAL
you think Wal-Mart is too expensive
it takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car
your horse lives better n you do
your gun safe is bigger n your refrigerator
retirement plans include getting your own place
you have engine parts on your coffee table
you use a piece of bread as a napkin
only one of every thirty words you use is in the dictionary
you siphon gas from your lawn mower to put in your truck
Your kid says dad can I have a can of mix?
your lawn mower has more power than your wife's car
you local funeral home has a neon sign in the window
your sophisticated rich show biz cousin is a rodeo clown
your truck has more neon than the local bar
you think doctorin involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug
you spend as much on lottery tickets as cigarettes
your family business requires a look-out
you were shooting pool when one of your kids was born
you drink lite beer when it starts getting lite
you were kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT
you double the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
you have 3 first names
you only get your hunting boots on the right feet half the time
you can spit without opening your mouth
Ya buy yer wife tube socks at the flea market..
You were driving a tractor before you could walk..
None of the tires on your car are the same size.
Your wife shaves her legs with yer fishin knife
You have your honey get out and check the depth of standing water before you drive through.
you've ever tried to drown a fish
your lips move while reading a STOP sign
the local ambulance has a trailer hitch
you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church
you videotape fishing shows
you tell yer wife to run down to the town dump and see what's left
you repair your stroyfoam cooler with duct tape
you worry more about the outhouses freezing then yer vehicles
your birth announcement included the words RUG RAT..
YA MIGHT BE a redneck IF
Your dog sleeps closer to you than your wife does.
Your wife attended The Tammy Fay House of Charm
You've ever named one of your children after your dog.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it..
You pass gas and your dog passes out...
...You've ever used panty hose for a coffee filter..
You've ever had to knock down the cob webs to use the bathroom...
You've ever stolen clothes off a scarecrow..
You grow your own Vidalia Onions..
You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother does not put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You buy jewelry at a hardware store..
YOU THINK TOBACCO COMPANIES HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG...
yOU'VE EVER SHOP LIFTED sPAM..
Chiggers are on your top 5 list of hygiene concerns.
Your belt buckle weighs more than you do..
Your coffee table use to be a cable spool.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
you use weed killer on your yard rather than mow it.
Yer mom calls you over to change the flat tire... on her house.
You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month
You have the taxidermists number on speed dial.
You've ever bathed in flea and tick soap.
You use your fishing license as your ID..
There's more carpet on your toilet..than on the floors..
People ask to hunt in your front yard..
You've ever given your wife a new septic tank for an anniversary present..
Your momma ran off with the neighbor's dog...
The beer truck delivers door to door in your neighborhood
Your speakers use to belong to The Moonlight Drive-In Theater.
You hear someone talking about the king, you think they mean Elvis or Richard Petty.
You're wife's ever burned out an electric razor.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
Most of your clothes have LOGOS on them...
You can't go to church because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for road kill.
You've never paid for a hair cut
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Motel 6 turns the lights OFF when they see you coming
When someone asks to see your ID, you show them your belt buckle.
All of your Tupperware is old margarine containers...
The primary color of your car is bondo.
Directions to your house include "turn off paved road".
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You've ever used a 55 Chevy as a guest house
The dog and your wallet are both on a chain
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your coat of arms has kudzu in it...
A blowout on the car means a new planter for the yard.
Your family tree has no forks.
You went to your mom's prom
Your receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting
You take a beer on a job interview
You play pin the tail on the donkey..and get 4 teeth kicked out..
You barbecue Spam on the grill
Your dad walks you to school as you are in the same grade.
Your house does not have curtains, but your truck does.
...Redneck Etiquette...
Hygiene....
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down....Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however, if you live alone, deoderant is a waste of good money.
Remember...if you have to vacum the bed..it's time to change the sheets
Dirt and greese under the finger nails..can alter the taste of finger foods..
...Dating...
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date..Driving....
at a four-way stop...the one with the biggest tires gets to go first..When sending your wife down the road for gas..don't ask her to bring you back a six-pack...
..could ya would ya be a REDNECK if..??..
Your barber gives you an estimate before cutting your hair. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. Your Junior-Senior prom had a day care. You wear a bra with a strapless dress. You think a toilet papered yard is a gift from God. You have to get a transmission out of the tub so your wife can take a bath. You mow the yard and discover a car. Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs. Your dress shoes have numbers on the back of them.
If your wife is heavier than your pick-up. If you think a 7 course meal is a possum and a six pack. If you refer to the 6th grade as the best 4 years of your life. You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean.
your wife has a spit cup on the ironing board........now for you Yankees, that is no joke... Your momma and her dog take a bath together... you wake up with Redman in your hair people stop every day thinking you’re having a yard-sale you still have the same in laws after 3 marriages and divorces you have a house that’s mobile and 15 cars that aren’t remodeling the bathroom means digging a new hole in the yard there is more than 1 major appliance on the front porch your 2 year old has more teeth than you do you’ve ever eaten road kill...................and liked it your land houses more than 2 mobile homes.... you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as dual air bags you've attended a concert in a Wal-Mart parking lot.. your favorite TV shows are The Dukes of Hazzard and Hee Haw you have more than 2 brothers named Bubba!! you don’t know the words to the National Anthem, but you know every verse of The Beverly Hillbillies Your pick up truck is prettier than your wife... You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you are at work. Your whole house is decorated in red and white checks. You consider your license personalized because your dad made it. You need one more hole punched on your card before getting a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have an 8-track player in your outhouse. The ASPCA raids your kitchen You have a picture framed in an old toilet seat.. You’ve ever used a weed-eater in the house The most common phrase in your house is someone go jiggle the *!!^** handle You only go to the dump when the back of the truck is full... You thought The Dukes of Hazzard was a documentary You think higher math is anything above 10. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek. You list your parole officer as a reference.. It takes you, all your brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles in the same room to show off a full set of teeth. You've stood outside a K-mart more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front yard...
You think straight D's is the honor roll. If you have to mow your driveway. You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't. If your momma's beard is thicker than yours Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You love to walk through a barn barefooted. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel. The only condiment on your table is an economy size bottle of catsup... You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word. Your dog is your alarm clock. Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second deer You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes. you have $5 bills with Dolly Parton’s picture on them. your kids are goin hungry tonight..cause you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.... you think a turtle neck is a key ingredient for soup... If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen. Your home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load.". Your dog has it's own place at the dinner table. You use a tire for a sled. You got married at a monster truck rally. Your Aunt Burtha used to be your Uncle Joe. You and your horse eat the same food You think a sieve is part of your shirt. Your mom is the man of the house. Your dad and your tires are both bald. Your wife has only one bra, but you have 10 fishing poles. You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 boat.
Your tractor, hat, and coat are the same color. Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop. the dog can’t watch you eat without gagging you think a cocktail is a glass of water with a booger in it.. your mother comes out of the bathroom a hollerin y'all come look at this afore I flush it.. ...you tell the census bureau to kiss YOUR ---!!! you can’t marry your sweetheart..there are laws against it You think Billy Ray Cyrus was our 38th President. You think Barry White and Betty White are brother and sister... You've been involved in a custody battle over a hunting dawg... You make your own soap on a rope.. You consider puttin on a clean pair of jeans gettin dressed up.. Your TV is larger than your refrigerator.. You have a bumper sticker saying my mother is an honor student at Arkansas’s Little Rock Junior High... You think a woman out of your league is on another bowling team..... The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery. There are more cement blocks under your vehicle than under your house There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car. Now couldja, wouldja, be one if? When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper. You can spit without opening your mouth. You can't mash the brake pedal in your truck for all the beer cans You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.. You consider a spotlight hunting equipment. You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy. You cut your toenails in front of company. You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself. You ever hit on somebody in a VD. clinic. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks. You go to Wal-Mart to people watch. You have 8 cars and still have to bum a ride to work. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed" You have ever barbecued hamburgers at the drive-in theater You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out the door sparks a flyin.. You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line. You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor. You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles. You have grease under your toenails. You have more than 3 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck. You have season tickets for the tractor pull. You have to duct tape your gloves on. You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens. You have stopped a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco. You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut. You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays. You own a denim leisure suit. You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception. You take the muffler off your new truck before you get home You take your dog for a walk, and you BOTH use the tree at the end of the block. You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station You think espresso means 8 items or less. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.... You think that Marlboro is a cologne.. You think the Super Bowl is a "top of the line" bathroom fixture. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You videotape fishing shows. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. You wear cowboy boots with shorts You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it. You write off a radiator as a business expense. You're watching the Beverly Hillbillies and the mention of Granny's pickled owl gizzards throws a craving on you You've ever bought a used cap. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today." You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your back porch is bigger than your house. If your family motto is "if it ain't broke, it ain't ours" Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age. Your goal in life is to be a wrassler... Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds. Your TV remote control is your son Junior. Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence. you would rather walk the excess length off your jeans than hem them. ..created February 1998.. ..to the first page of Rednecks.. marjorie ward..do you think yer a Redneck if...??...
You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.