.. MAMAMAMAMA REDNECK'S ..
....School Zone..
..Thanksgiving and good advise on frying a turkey..
..GETTIN HITCHED..??..
..bettter read dis first..
..More and yet more ole Redneck funnies..
..REDNECK SkOOL..
..answers on bottom of page..
1..What do you call a bunch of tractors sittin outside a Mc Donalds in Arkansas..??..
2..Who's smarter n a smart Redneck..??..
U might be a Redneck if..
..On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
..Graduating Rednecks..
..Redneck Engineering Test..
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum..woooooooooooooooooooooooooee..!!!..
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are needed..??..
4. If Buster has 5 cars that are not running how many cinderblocks does he need..??..
5. Who invented fractions? Henry The 1/8..
6. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
7. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
8. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
9. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
10. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
11. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
12. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
..REDNECK SCHOOL BORD..
College entrence exam..
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Name.__________________________________________ ( 3 points )
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to.(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton: (a)Bush: (b)Carter: (c)Clinton:
10. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
11. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five..
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of relativity? (a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D.
..Good Ole Home Skoolin..
..Name the four seasons..
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
..COMPUTER SCHOOL..
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
..stumpers..
1. What is the most slippery country in the world?
2. If two's company and Three's a Crowd..what are five and four..??..
3. What kind of fish can't swim..??..
4. What happens when you throw a green stone in The Red Sea?
5. Why is Russia such a fast coutnry?
6. Why are basketball players never asked to dinner??
Greece
9 silly
dead ones..gotcha agin?
it gets wet
cause they're always Russian
cause they're always dribbling
..Student..Teachers lines..
Student....I failed every subject except for algebra.
Teacher..How did you keep from failing that ?
I didn't take algebra !
Teacher: Are you good at math ?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
Student..Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please ?
DAD..Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy !
Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !
Student.. I can't solve this problem. Teacher.. Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
Student..No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !
Teacher If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?
Pupil: That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean
Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0..
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4 ?
Class: At once !
Teacher..If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left ?
None, they were all copycats !
1..senior prom..
2..A dumb hillbilly..!!..
..mw 10-03..